My Re-Construction Testimony

My first three decades of life were a search for real answers. There had to be Truth with a capital “T”, somewhere. You, in contrast, might be so noble and zen that you're comfortable without Truth. Not me. For many years, I was unsatisfied with any of the “answers” life sent my way.

I didn't know it then, but the Younger Me needed the Bible to be real words that expressed real thoughts, thoughts that emerged from the process of real people experiencing real life and getting real answers.

Anything less was too easily deconstructed.

This testimony is about how the Bible became that source of Truth for me, and specifically how the chronological order of the books and the Garden of Eden Creation Narrative became central to my spiritual growth.

A Great Listener who Wouldn't Listen

Otherwise, I wasn’t going to listen. I didn’t listen. I didn’t need more fiction, and I still don’t. I don’t need a magic book. I didn’t need pastors' opinions, although the sermons I’ve heard over the years may have been awesome, true, and good. But how was I to judge? And I don’t need more social pressure. I even tell myself I don’t need a tribe to belong to, which isn’t entirely honest, I admit…

I suspect I have a problem-- I’m a sinner as much as anyone. This is not a humble brag. My deconstruction instincts have often alienated me. After high school I didn’t jump into the game of pursuing a “career path”. For whatever reason, I was never mentored into any trade. I guess I’m not great padawan material (it’s a Star Wars reference for geeks).

So, very briefly, here is a little, selective testimony of my story. You might find some commonalities with me, who knows? You will definitely find grist for your mill if you want to attack my credibility and my character. Have at you...

I became Christian at around 13 years old. My family became Christian around the same time, over a couple years in the early 80’s. Before that, our religion was Air Force.

My Mom had a very spiritual salvation experience, which is a great story. I’m unaware of how the rest of my family’s salvation experiences took place. But my closest brother, Matt, and I were the first to be lured into church, by the large quantities of food, delivered frequently. Eventually, my family made that church our home church. It remains my home church to this day.

After high school, I ran around and did dumb stuff, until 1990, when my Mom subtly suggested that I try joining an organization called Youth With A Mission, or YWAM. I did it. I really liked that the community was organized around a deep and strong sense of mission. Turns out I didn’t play well with others. More accurately, I didn’t conform to the system, which was a bad example for the others. I did my job, but I always held back from full cooperation. I always questioned, and didn’t do stuff that, to me, wasn’t justified.

Twice in my early YWAM career, I was sat down by missions leaders and gently informed that I seem to do better when I’m on the field- on outreach, in challenging circumstances, in the battle. They recommended I find a more challenging place to serve— in other words, I was fired. So I did. First time, I left my original training center, which was in the country, for a YWAM ministry in San Francisco. Even there, after less than a year, I was sat down again. They asked me to consider going to live in the ghetto of Sixth Street, an extension of the Tenderloin area in San Francisco’s center. I was there every weekend anyways, and when I was there, I was happy. And the leaders were right- I left YWAM, moved to Sixth Street, and I loved it.

It was real life. Of course, everyone on the street is lying, most of the time, but it was still REAL. When people are fighting for their lives, lying makes sense.

I lived in the basement of an afterschool ministry called Crossroads. Often, the Center, and the ministry, and even the lives of the kids felt like they were all on me. Other times, I was greatly blessed to have excellent ministry partners on staff at Crossroads, serving alongside me. They were (mostly) really beautiful people whom I greatly appreciate to this day. But man, was it hard. Guess what- that’s what the kids lived through every day! The kids wouldn’t choose to live there, like I did, but that’s what their lot in life was. And I wanted to be there with them. There are a lot of awesome stories from those years, from 1991-1997. Maybe I’ll tell some of those stories in another video.

Again, I’m not humble bragging. I did some bad things myself while I was there. Maybe on the surface I might have looked like an altruistic, great white hope in the hood- one of my close buddies on Sixth Street called me a culture vulture! But in reality we were all sinners, at various stages of enslavement to sin. And man, there were some EXTREME cases of enslavement to sin in San Francisco. Every day was an education.

Here’s why I’m sharing this experience with you- during this time, a time of intense service that really shaped me, I absolutely didn’t understand church at all. I brought the kids from the Center to church, when I could, because Christians are supposed to do that. It never went well. The churches couldn’t handle the kids. Too much of a bubble of social safety, I imagine, and these kids definitely weren’t safe. That’s understandable- the people in the churches in San Francisco were humans, too.

But here’s the thing: if it weren’t for my deep desire to civilize these kids with some Christian fellowship, I wouldn’t have gone to church. The pastors did a lot of Christian, churchy stuff, but they didn’t explain it. At least not in a way that worked for me. They would give a message, or a “word”, or sometimes they would even call it a “prophecy”, but then they wouldn’t explain it beyond that. I could understand their words. I knew what they were saying. But in the end the message was almost meaningless. I frequently finished my time in church feeling like shrugging and saying “Says who?” Even today in church, I often internally shrug and say “So what?!” Only internally though. I've grown so much.

That’s how I developed my opinions about the institution of Church.

During those years, I got my undergrad at SFSU. I also realized that I wasn't doing what I was telling the kids to do. I encouraged the kids to do the best with what they had, right where they were- but I wasn’t doing the same. I had begun attending multiple community meetings in the "South of Market" area, and I noticed that the people to blame for the leadership of the community were lawyers. I was frustrated. It seemed I was cleaning up endless messes that the neighborhood kept making. I decided: I can fix that. Maybe if I became a lawyer, I could help the kids more. So I took the LSAT (with no prep, which was a mistake). I did well, regardless, and several law schools offered me to apply, waiving the application fee. I applied. I hoped to make it to Stanford, but after a few rounds I got booted. Two other schools accepted me: UCSF and McGeorge School of Law in Sacramento. In hindsight, I should’ve done UCSF, but it is what it is. I thought being in Sacramento might get me involved in government.

That didn’t happen. I got to law school and immediately lost the moral compass that had guided me while I was serving the kids. Law School had a different mission: self-advancement, self-promotion, angling for advantage, all very political. Relationship with law-school professors in reality is just butt-kissing in the hopes of getting referrals to large firms or judicial internships, if your grades were good enough.

The law school students were driven, which I liked, especially the girls, but the system was all about the self, and I hated it.

I intentionally got the lowest scores I could to still pass. I spent the rest of my time partying. I wasn’t going to be part of that “system”. Because it was fake justice. Not based on anything, just case precedents, some common law... and what were those based on? Other case precedents? Worse, the “truth” of any case can be twisted and manipulated by a skilled psychopath. Money works, too, of course. The work seemed empty, so I didn’t do it. I should have quit, and saved myself the money, but I generally don't quit. And where else would I go? Back to the Center? Back home? No thank you.

That's how I developed my opinions about the institution of Government.

Again, maybe it’s all my problem. Now, in my old age, I have HUGE respect for pastors. Being a pastor is the hardest job, if you’re trying to do it well. And I also now know that lawyers make for a better society-- having more hungry lawyers around levels the playing field, and a more level playing field encourages competition and innovation. Now, I’m able to honor people who are life-long public servants in the judicial system. Still, no honor for the politicians, but some day even that may come…

My Reconstruction Began with Personal Destruction

My point is that I didn’t find a home in either the institution of Church or of Government. I was lost. I didn’t have a framework. I didn’t have a context for my life work. YWAM would take me back, but YWAM would take anyone back.

Then God fixed it for me.

This is a VERY brief account of what I call my salvation experience. I had started some drug use during law school. My go-to was whisky, not drugs, but my few experiences with drugs were mind-blowing. Maybe it's my Neanderthal heritage that makes me so susceptible. Whatever the reason, the final result was that I had a salvation experience, on October 21, 2000, in a city in Southern Switzerland called Lugano. It was real. Real demons. Real visions, if such things can be real. And a real salvation by a real Jesus. Actually, Jesus.

Part of my salvation experience involved Scriptures. In the midst of my drug fueled, spiritual maelstrom, God began downloading understanding about specific verses, verses I had heard a hundred times before. I had studied the Bible sporadically before, but without any training. I knew the Bible was good. But the words weren’t alive until that salvation moment. I can tell you the understandings I received- they weren’t mysterious, or magical. What I can’t explain to you is exactly how I changed, other than attributing it to the presence of the Holy Spirit- which, honestly, you can’t really explain. What I CAN explain is that, for the first time, I knew WHY the words of the Bible meant what they mean.

This was the First Step in God’s Reconstruction of my mind. I cannot do this for you. Somehow, you have to get saved, however that looks. I don’t recommend that you follow my particular path getting there.

The Second Step in my Reconstruction was to get the Bible. Through a series of events, I decided to leave the law and go back to a Bible school with YWAM. One of those guiding events involved the founder of YWAM, Loren Cunningham, putting his hand on my shoulder and saying “Son, you need to do an SBS [School of Biblical Studies]. Let’s pray…”

So, I studied the entire Bible in 9 months, inductively. The SBS is great. No denominational biases. The heart of inductive study is to let the Bible teach what it teaches, in context. SBS students are trained with tools, a study method. But each students does their own work, coming to their own conclusions. I would not have done Bible school any other way. It was amazing. The Bible was Reconstructing me, intellectually and morally. I was hooked for life.

I was also mad.  Why had no one told me how powerful, and clear, and rational, and good the Bible is before this? Then I realized God wanted me to respond to my anger with action. He was showing me that studying and teaching the Bible was now my calling.

Thus, I can help you with this second step of Reconstruction. Over the last 20 years I’ve taught every book of the Bible at an SBS level, many times over, in many nations of the world.

But even then, I needed a Third Step for my Reconstruction.

Step Three was my discovery that the Garden Narrative is a HUGE, untapped resource for the deepest Biblical thinking. Of course, Jesus is the foundation. He is the Cornerstone of the Temple of the church. But why? And how? How can I understand anything about Jesus, and how He is the Cornerstone, without going back to the roots of Creation itself?

I was forced to go to the Garden, because in 2007 I pioneered a version of SBS that starts in Genesis. I really had to prove that the Garden is the best place to start. Biblical Worldview books always refer back to the Garden- so why not start there and see what happens? In the process of my research, I discovered centuries of critical scholarship tearing apart the Creation narrative. I had to fight through those critiques- many of which were well grounded! Yet, instead of weakening the power and usefulness of the Creation narrative for me, what I discovered increased my confidence that I was on the right track.  Since then, a dozen years of classroom experience has proven it.

By going (1.) from the New Testament, (2.) through the Old Testament, then (3.) to the roots of the Story in the Garden, I can now unwind many difficult passages in the Bible. Now, several classic theological divisions in the Body of Christ look silly to me. Maybe I’m deluding myself, but I’m open for pushback. An even better result of going back to the Garden for theology is that I have become a better person. And a better missionary. I became more interested in digging deeply into my students’ origin stories. It takes work, but the effort has significantly developed my empathy for others.  My hope is that the same will happen for you.

Now, I’m offering my ideas for public consideration. Abuse me, please, haha. I will probably get hurt, and I expect to learn a lot. But that’s what we’re here for, isn’t it?

My Invitation:

If God has already accomplished Step 1 for you, if Jesus has saved you from the pit of Deconstruction like He did me, maybe you’re willing to join me for the next two steps of Reconstruction. Of course, I would recommend that you start your studies at Step 3, in the Garden, and then move on from there, but whatever you want to do is fine.

Because, God is the only One who Reconstructs. Not some knucklehead on YouTube.